What happened after it happened

My first full day of bankruptcy was surreal. I didn’t feel any different but I had a sense that somewhere, somehow, the machinations of the world outside were groaning and clunking to turn the ship so slowly I barely saw the light changing direction. Phone calls were being made, letters were being sent. Who already knew? Who was still ignorant to my financial demise? A tree was falling in my forest and I could barely hear it myself. Was it really happening?

In fact, the silence was disturbing. My phone had been ringing constantly up to that day. The banks were harassing me relentlessly but as soon as I gave them my bankruptcy details, they disappeared immediately. Suddenly, I had the quiet I had yearned for to think about something else. Instead, I decided to worry about it all for a bit longer, as is my wont. A few sleepless nights, overwhelming anxiety and tearful phone calls with friends and family later, I made another decision to just get over it. I mean, apart from winning the lottery, there was nothing more to be done. It was out of my hands forever.

I suppose that was when I decided to start this blog. I’m still afraid of what the future holds for me, I have no idea what impact this is going to have on my life. At least, if I record it here, I can look back retrospectively and see the path I bumbled down. I really wish I was you. Reading this is either making you feel apprehensive, because you recognize my plight, or self-assured that you would never find yourself in this situation. If it’s the former, I sincerely hope that this blog will give you some insight where I have none. If the latter, I confess I envy you, but I wish you well, and presume to hope that you may learn anything from my experience to strengthen your position even further.

So again, how am I living day to day? Well, I am extremely lucky to have a very supportive family. I have a lovely little room in my parent’s beautiful home, my childhood home. Fortunately, my qualifications and experience are of some use to my Dad in his business and we have come to an arrangement whereby I work for him for a nominal pay rate and I pay my room and board. I admit it’s a bit of a cop-out but I just need six to twelve months to recover, mentally and emotionally, and get a job. My work and living arrangements also allow me to focus on some of my creative ideas which have been suppressed by the inescapable pressure of my finances.

As I mentioned before, I am using the services of an administrator so I don’t even have to pay my bills, they do that. I receive $70 pocket money per week for personal and entertainment expenses and it is amazing to receive that money and spend it, without guilt, on anything I like. I haven’t had the freedom to do that for five years. My parents live near the beach so I go for long walks, I go to the library, I hang out with my friends and family, always with the ever present cloud of this event looming somewhere above me and the occasional raindrop falling on my head. But as a great friend and mentor of mine says: your eyes are in the front of your head for a reason. And she is right, there is no point in looking back now.