I hate thinking about my bankruptcy. I hate the permanence of it. I have two tattoos and a bankruptcy, I regret at least two out of the three but the bankruptcy feels the most indelible.
I had lunch with a close friend the other day. He has a chronic illness and has suffered financially for it. He’s 42 and in a similar situation to me ie. No assets, living with his parents, very low income. He said to me: “There must be a reason I’ve messed up so bad. This can’t have happened for no reason.” I can’t believe he thinks he messed up! He isn’t to blame for his life going off track. He was physically disabled and unable to care for himself. My situation is the opposite. I was entirely capable of making the right decisions. I was even aware of it at the time. I made completely wrong choices – against my own better judgement! So maybe he has some really good karma coming to him, maybe he will go on to be stronger and better than ever once he is well, and he’ll really appreciate his health and wealth and all the things we take for granted when we have all our faculties. For myself, I have to wear my scarlet letter B for three years and then hope the memory fades in the years to come. And perhaps I even got off too lightly. Probably, in the minds of my creditors, I did. It’s just so depressing to think about. So I try not to. But it comes up periodically. I panic when I start work with a new client. Don’t get me wrong, I have great confidence in the value of my work, but sometimes companies have policies about contractors that require them to declare that they are not bankrupt or disqualified from being a Director. It hasn’t happened yet but I live in constant fear of having to turn down a job without giving a reason.
Just have to keep going and see what happens. Nothing bad has arisen lately but the anticipation of it causes a lot of anxiety.
