I’ve been putting this out of my mind for weeks now, not sure if it’s avoidance or I’m actually getting over it. It’s getting easier to forget that I am bankrupt but the fact that I am still technically unemployed and living with my parents is more apparent. I think if I had a job and a place of my own I would hardly even notice at all. I’m dying to see if the Trustee will let me go overseas and visit my sister. I want to go to New York with my mum next year as well. I’ll have to save my arse off to do it but I am determined.
How long has it been now? It’s 15 weeks today, just over three months. It all feels like a bad dream. Another life I left behind. I struggle to recall the anxiety and guilt I was feeling mere weeks ago. Instead I can see that I did the right thing. Absolutely, the right thing. Just like leaving a bad relationship or breaking a bad habit, it feels so wrong in the moment, it feels like you’ll never know a time when it isn’t effecting every minute of your day, taking up all your energy and crowding your brain with thoughts and feelings. But here I am, 15 weeks later and I feel so calm and so remote from that horrible mess.
Even the aftermath, the wrench of giving up everything I valued, has lost its sting.
The quality of life I am enjoying now is such a surprise. Just to sit in the sun with a cup of tea and not have my mind wander into an anxiety minefield. Nothing else compares.
Still, I might buy a lotto ticket this weekend.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Why did the bank keep offering me more credit?
Look, I can’t stand it when people don’t take responsibility for their own mistakes. Like when people sue a pub for allowing them to drink and drive. I understand that the publican has a responsibility but, seriously, you made a choice and it was the wrong one. You may have a weakness for alcohol but I don’t think anyone could claim to be a compulsive drink driver.
However, I think there is a valid argument that banks prey upon people with limited financial skills and lure them into a debt cycle. It makes sense really because in the end you’re usually barely capable of covering the interest payments which is where the bank makes it profits anyway. Plus it’s listed as an asset on their balance sheet and they can borrow against it. Money for jam!
Consider this. I started with a credit card with a limit of $2,000 in 1995. By the time I went bankrupt that very same credit card had a limit of $25,000 and the lending bank had also given me $30,000 in unsecured loans as well, even though I had been unable to make payments on several occasions. I had disclosed my annual taxable income on each occasion and it was clear that there was no way I could service this level of debt – so why did the bank keep extending my liability?
On August 6, The Australia Institute released the results of a study into Australian banks and found that they are “aggressively encouraging” customers to take on more debt regardless whether they can pay it back or not:
“Two in three respondents (66 per cent) reported receiving an unsolicited offer for a new credit card in the past 12 months, while one in two (49 per cent) had received an unsolicited offer to increase their credit card limit. One in three (36 per cent) had received an offer for a personal loan, and one in five (18 per cent) had an offer to increase the available credit on their home loan.”
Furthermore, having a regular income was no barrier to receiving offers of credit:
“…a majority of respondents who were not in paid employment together with a majority of those living in households with a combined income of less than $40,000, had received an offer for a new credit card in the previous 12 months.”
Again, I understand that receiving an offer to increase the limit on your credit card doesn’t compel you to do so but if you are in desperate need of cash you can always make yourself believe that you will have the capability to pay it back in the future – particularly when you are in business. Things are always just about to get better, if you could just relieve the cash flow and get things moving again! A letter in the post offering you a few extra grand seems like a gift from heaven when you have suppliers holding your stock and a landlord threatening legal action.
I’m glad it’s over. I never want to be offered credit again, I hate the fact that I was vulnerable to their manipulations and I’m glad I’ve been struck off their radar. I hope that other people can see through the banks and get out earlier; or make a change before they have no option but to hit the reset button like me.
If you're interested you can read the full report here:
Money and Power: The case for better regulation in banking
August 6, 2010 Josh Fear, Dr Richard Denniss, David Richardson
However, I think there is a valid argument that banks prey upon people with limited financial skills and lure them into a debt cycle. It makes sense really because in the end you’re usually barely capable of covering the interest payments which is where the bank makes it profits anyway. Plus it’s listed as an asset on their balance sheet and they can borrow against it. Money for jam!
Consider this. I started with a credit card with a limit of $2,000 in 1995. By the time I went bankrupt that very same credit card had a limit of $25,000 and the lending bank had also given me $30,000 in unsecured loans as well, even though I had been unable to make payments on several occasions. I had disclosed my annual taxable income on each occasion and it was clear that there was no way I could service this level of debt – so why did the bank keep extending my liability?
On August 6, The Australia Institute released the results of a study into Australian banks and found that they are “aggressively encouraging” customers to take on more debt regardless whether they can pay it back or not:
“Two in three respondents (66 per cent) reported receiving an unsolicited offer for a new credit card in the past 12 months, while one in two (49 per cent) had received an unsolicited offer to increase their credit card limit. One in three (36 per cent) had received an offer for a personal loan, and one in five (18 per cent) had an offer to increase the available credit on their home loan.”
Furthermore, having a regular income was no barrier to receiving offers of credit:
“…a majority of respondents who were not in paid employment together with a majority of those living in households with a combined income of less than $40,000, had received an offer for a new credit card in the previous 12 months.”
Again, I understand that receiving an offer to increase the limit on your credit card doesn’t compel you to do so but if you are in desperate need of cash you can always make yourself believe that you will have the capability to pay it back in the future – particularly when you are in business. Things are always just about to get better, if you could just relieve the cash flow and get things moving again! A letter in the post offering you a few extra grand seems like a gift from heaven when you have suppliers holding your stock and a landlord threatening legal action.
I’m glad it’s over. I never want to be offered credit again, I hate the fact that I was vulnerable to their manipulations and I’m glad I’ve been struck off their radar. I hope that other people can see through the banks and get out earlier; or make a change before they have no option but to hit the reset button like me.
If you're interested you can read the full report here:
Money and Power: The case for better regulation in banking
August 6, 2010 Josh Fear, Dr Richard Denniss, David Richardson
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Hello? Ms Bankrupted, are you still there?
Yes, I'm still here. Only 1010 days to go. I can’t believe I haven’t posted for a whole week! I wish I could say that my life is not affected by my bankruptcy anymore and that I am moving on and getting over the whole thing but that’s not really true. I’ve just survived a whole week with absolutely no money in my pocket. Have you ever tried to go a whole week without spending any money except for absolute essentials? I have transport, meals and rent covered but I’ve had to come up with some creative ideas for parking in the city and explaining to a 6 year old that she will have to wait another week for her birthday present. Being bankrupt doesn’t necessarily equate to being cash strapped but until I get a higher paying job my situation will not improve. It is still far better than before, I just don’t have a credit card to distort the reality.
So a quick update on previous blogs:
No response from the selection panel that rejected my job application. I really wasn’t expecting to hear from them, they’d be too busy getting on with the job of employing someone. Would love to know what was so repulsive about my application that they were able to reject me in just four days.
No response from the Trustee, in spite of her promises to get back to me last week. Not really bothered, I think I was just having an anxiety attack. What difference does it make, really?
AND I presented my first Uni assignment yesterday. I think I did pretty well! It was so satisfying to research something entirely new and present it as an expert. I’ve been feeling so down on myself eg. “What would I know, I’m a bankrupt.” Well, it turns out, quite a lot actually, with the capacity to learn even more.
So a quick update on previous blogs:
No response from the selection panel that rejected my job application. I really wasn’t expecting to hear from them, they’d be too busy getting on with the job of employing someone. Would love to know what was so repulsive about my application that they were able to reject me in just four days.
No response from the Trustee, in spite of her promises to get back to me last week. Not really bothered, I think I was just having an anxiety attack. What difference does it make, really?
AND I presented my first Uni assignment yesterday. I think I did pretty well! It was so satisfying to research something entirely new and present it as an expert. I’ve been feeling so down on myself eg. “What would I know, I’m a bankrupt.” Well, it turns out, quite a lot actually, with the capacity to learn even more.
Life goes on, the detritus swells to fill the gaping space that remains after everything, both good and bad, is taken away. It’s up to me to cordon it against the things I don’t want and nurture the things I do, like this blog – thank goodness, it’s free!
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Patience is a virtue - whatever!
I’m so anxious today. I haven’t heard anything from my Trustee for ages and I’m dying to know if all my intellectual property has been appropriated by my ex-business-partner. I’ve resigned myself to the idea that I have absolutely no rights to any information regarding my estate. It seems that it is quite simply not mine any more so I have no right to ask about it. But I want to know!
I’ve sent an email to the Trustee requesting some information. Hopefully she will give me a call. This is what I wrote:
“Sorry to bother you but I haven’t heard anything and wondered what had happened. I don’t know what information I am entitled to know but I would really appreciate knowing the outcome of the liquidation of the partnership.
Actually, I would really like to understand the whole process, what is happening to my creditors and what investigations might be done into the companies of which I am a shareholder? Am I allowed to ask about this stuff? I know it will have no bearing on the outcome but I just have a macabre desire to know what has happened so far and what I can expect in the future.”
In exactly two weeks, it will be 3 months since my bankruptcy became official and as far as I can tell nothing is resolved really. I suppose my situation is pretty complex, what with all the companies, partnership and informal creditors. I wonder if I get a statement of some sort at the end? I can’t find any information online about what information is provided for the Bankrupt throughout the process.
Postcript: Just heard back from the Trustee and she has been very busy on another case (keep forgetting how many people are in the same overcrowded life-raft as me) and she will follow up and get back to me this week. She also said:
“I can advise that nothing has been submitted from your former business partner's solicitor. You are certainly entitled to information with regards to the investigations of your estate. I will follow up with the other side this week and let you know how I get on. In the meantime, please do not hesitate to contact me should you have any queries I can help you with.”
Feeling a bit better. At least I know I’m allowed to ask.
I’ve sent an email to the Trustee requesting some information. Hopefully she will give me a call. This is what I wrote:
“Sorry to bother you but I haven’t heard anything and wondered what had happened. I don’t know what information I am entitled to know but I would really appreciate knowing the outcome of the liquidation of the partnership.
Actually, I would really like to understand the whole process, what is happening to my creditors and what investigations might be done into the companies of which I am a shareholder? Am I allowed to ask about this stuff? I know it will have no bearing on the outcome but I just have a macabre desire to know what has happened so far and what I can expect in the future.”
In exactly two weeks, it will be 3 months since my bankruptcy became official and as far as I can tell nothing is resolved really. I suppose my situation is pretty complex, what with all the companies, partnership and informal creditors. I wonder if I get a statement of some sort at the end? I can’t find any information online about what information is provided for the Bankrupt throughout the process.
Postcript: Just heard back from the Trustee and she has been very busy on another case (keep forgetting how many people are in the same overcrowded life-raft as me) and she will follow up and get back to me this week. She also said:
“I can advise that nothing has been submitted from your former business partner's solicitor. You are certainly entitled to information with regards to the investigations of your estate. I will follow up with the other side this week and let you know how I get on. In the meantime, please do not hesitate to contact me should you have any queries I can help you with.”
Feeling a bit better. At least I know I’m allowed to ask.
Monday, August 2, 2010
I might be crazy but I'd rather be bankrupt.
It’s so easy to get disillusioned with life and give in to feeling down and out when you’re bankrupt. I try to stay positive and be constructive with the things I’m learning about myself but there are some days when you just want to wallow in it. I could so easily go that way today.
My job application was rejected. It only took four days for it to be rejected which suggests that I was eliminated in the first round. I’m going to ring up today and see whether I can get some feedback but I know I’ll get the standard response: “The quality of applicants was extremely high and based on the selection criteria you just missed out.” I know it, because I’ve given that response a million times myself.
Bugger!
I could so easily get back under the doona today and sink into a lowdown, slow-burn, all day funk. Luckily, I have to go to work and be productive. If I wasn’t working for my Dad I’d probably call in sick.
I’ve had some dark days though. Three years ago I got quite unwell. I wasn’t sleeping and would stay up all night just randomly Googling and watching YouTube clips. I remember I watched a whole movie in three minute clips, it was “Say Anything” with John Cusack; I replayed the final kissing scene about 50 billion times. I just couldn’t sleep, I was so anxious. During the day I would avoid people, I didn’t want to speak with anyone, which wasn’t great for business. I stopped showering, I didn’t even get out of bed on the weekend, I’d just lie around in the same clothes day after day watching crap TV and eating bad food. No one had any idea how bad I was - I just wanted to hurry up and die. I think the lowest point was when I locked the doors and stopped answering the phone at work. I knew that I was putting everything at risk if I didn’t get my act together but I think I also knew that my business was going down the gurgler anyway and I didn’t know what to do next.
So I went to my GP and got some medication, and I rang Lifeline and spoke with a Counselor. The Counselor asked me to consider what might happen if the business failed. It’s funny to think back now because I firmly responded that my life would be over if that happened. I truly believed that failing was not an option and that somehow my life would come to an end if it did. It’s frightening to think how powerfully I believed that. My perception of the situation was so warped. When I confided in people they would say to me: “But you are not the business, you are a person.” But I really couldn’t distinguish myself as separate; the failure of the business meant the end of me. I still can’t quite fathom how I am still here – and flourishing!
I’ve been scouring the internet and also the enormous library I have at my disposal (gotta love being a post-grad research student!) and I cannot find much about the link between mental health and bankruptcy. Anecdotally, I know that financial hardship can be both a stressor and a symptom of mental health problems. Personally, I think that business failure is incredibly stressful; who knew there were so many shades of guilt, remorse, anger and despair?
If you are experiencing any of the above: talk to someone – anyone at all. Contact Lifeline or see your GP. And please trust me, you will, at the very least, survive this. I did.
My job application was rejected. It only took four days for it to be rejected which suggests that I was eliminated in the first round. I’m going to ring up today and see whether I can get some feedback but I know I’ll get the standard response: “The quality of applicants was extremely high and based on the selection criteria you just missed out.” I know it, because I’ve given that response a million times myself.
Bugger!
I could so easily get back under the doona today and sink into a lowdown, slow-burn, all day funk. Luckily, I have to go to work and be productive. If I wasn’t working for my Dad I’d probably call in sick.
I’ve had some dark days though. Three years ago I got quite unwell. I wasn’t sleeping and would stay up all night just randomly Googling and watching YouTube clips. I remember I watched a whole movie in three minute clips, it was “Say Anything” with John Cusack; I replayed the final kissing scene about 50 billion times. I just couldn’t sleep, I was so anxious. During the day I would avoid people, I didn’t want to speak with anyone, which wasn’t great for business. I stopped showering, I didn’t even get out of bed on the weekend, I’d just lie around in the same clothes day after day watching crap TV and eating bad food. No one had any idea how bad I was - I just wanted to hurry up and die. I think the lowest point was when I locked the doors and stopped answering the phone at work. I knew that I was putting everything at risk if I didn’t get my act together but I think I also knew that my business was going down the gurgler anyway and I didn’t know what to do next.
So I went to my GP and got some medication, and I rang Lifeline and spoke with a Counselor. The Counselor asked me to consider what might happen if the business failed. It’s funny to think back now because I firmly responded that my life would be over if that happened. I truly believed that failing was not an option and that somehow my life would come to an end if it did. It’s frightening to think how powerfully I believed that. My perception of the situation was so warped. When I confided in people they would say to me: “But you are not the business, you are a person.” But I really couldn’t distinguish myself as separate; the failure of the business meant the end of me. I still can’t quite fathom how I am still here – and flourishing!
I’ve been scouring the internet and also the enormous library I have at my disposal (gotta love being a post-grad research student!) and I cannot find much about the link between mental health and bankruptcy. Anecdotally, I know that financial hardship can be both a stressor and a symptom of mental health problems. Personally, I think that business failure is incredibly stressful; who knew there were so many shades of guilt, remorse, anger and despair?
If you are experiencing any of the above: talk to someone – anyone at all. Contact Lifeline or see your GP. And please trust me, you will, at the very least, survive this. I did.
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