The Girl tunes in, turns on and drops out

Something has happened to me. I'm just not the same any more. I feel like bankruptcy has freed me from the overwhelming need to succeed.

Giving up on money makes you see other things that exist in the world. Like really good friends, who's opinion you respect, and who do you the honour of asking for your own. Children who raise their arms to be picked up and cling to you like a baby monkey. Being outside in the moonlight and feeling completely safe. Belonging in a group of people.

Money can't buy those things as an authentic experience. If you do experience these things, it is not because you have money. It's because you are living in a community that values these things. You value these things, because you know they are where the real highs exist. Better than the high of taking possession of a new car. Better than the best hair day or the rush of recognition for expensive shoes. Less taxing than ecstasy and infinitely more rewarding. It's the slow burning sense that the people you need are with you, and these people also need you.

So many of my friends are living in luxury that has been destroyed by abject consumption. Upgradable cars, disposable appliances, seasonal accessories, packaging, packaging, packaging. Food becomes waste if it goes cold. Leftovers go bad in the fridge. We are the Live Aid generation. We, of all people know, that there are people without enough food in Africa and that there are women selling sex, all over the world, to feed and educate their children. We don't value our luxury, we revel in it. We sit back on our smug backsides and congratulate ourselves because we have a big screen TV to get the full benefit of HD in the fight scenes of Game of Thrones.

I often think about the movie, The Matrix. Disengaging that plug on the back of Neo's head wasn't fantasy. It was a metaphor for our addiction to titillation fed by the mainstream media. I haven't watched commercial television for a long time now. I tend to get my news from the Guardian Online, or Russell Brand's Trews. There are many people out there who have chosen the red pill and are disengaging.

Declaring bankruptcy was frightening because it meant abandoning my status and admitting defeat. I was a DNF in the rat race. But now that I've lost sight of the lead group, I'm not even bothering to move in the same direction any more. I'm finding another path.