As usual, it's hard to believe a year has past. Isn't that always the way? My brain warps time so dramatically that just one year can feel like a life time and no time in the same space. I don't feel changed in any way, I'm still in the suspended reality of bankruptcy. I'm living with a constant wariness, will those who know betray me? Are there people who know and pretend they don't? Sometimes I don't care, other times I am wrung out with anxiety. Filling out applications is fraught with barely concealed panic. I'm always expecting a box that asks me to declare if I am bankrupt - with a little note that says "IF YES, PUT YOUR PEN DOWN AND LEAVE IMMEDIATELY, FRAUDSTER!!".
I was at a business event a few weeks ago and someone mentioned bankruptcy. A senior business man made a comment, something along the lines of: "Oh, but these days, they all just declare bankruptcy and then they're back in business the next day. I remember when you couldn't even have a bank account if you were bankrupt!" I just nodded with a bemused look on my face which I assume he mistook as disparaging agreement. I felt like I had told a lie. Maybe we do get off too easy, sometimes I feel like I did.
So apart from my ongoing nightmares about having to re-sit my final year exams at five minutes notice with no clothes on - you know the sort - and torturing myself by googling my ex-business partners, I'm doing OK. I found an old friend from university on Facebook who is as broke as me and just as depressed. We have enormous fun competing for the title of most unlikely to succeed. I've certainly learnt the value of good friends and genuine laughs, both at my own expense, but who cares - that I can afford!
Two more years seems daunting. I know they will fly by as quick as this one did but then I will be forty. I wish that didn't bother me, I try so hard to convince myself it doesn't. But it does. When I break it down, everything associated with getting old doesn't bother me. I am truly fortunate to have such a wonderful family. My sisters share their children so generously with me and I know I'll always be a fixture in their lives. I know I will always have the security of a home and people who care for me, even if I get sick or become disabled. I can only assume that it is just the social stigma of reaching 40 and not having all the recognisable trappings of success. Also, everything in the media; movies, television and most of all romance novels, all suggest that a 40 year old woman is just ripe for some bloke to come and rescue her. She's always built a life for herself which is some sort of farcical facade to compensate for her innate loneliness and repressed need for satisfaction. I mean, you ingest this crap often enough and you're bound to be affected by it. It's all pretty shallow - nothing a concrete milkshake won't fix.
So, one year on, I am still surviving, not happy but not always unhappy. Certainly better off than before I declared bankruptcy and there is hope for the future. Not the future I would have chosen for myself but a future to look forward to none-the-less. I have a few things on the go that I'll tell you about in my next blog... unless, of course, some spunky billionnaire whisks me off to his home on the Amalfi coast...
JOKING! You know I can't leave the country for another two years!!
4 comments:
oh damn just wrote a 3 paragraph comment and accidentally deleted it fumbling over some keys.
made some points about turning 40 which I did a few months ago:
- approaching 40 did make me have lots of flashbacks for sure. I'm still having school friend dreams. also taking-stock-of-my-life thoughts.
- turning 40 didn't hit me on the day, and I think it will take another 6 months before I can look back and say how it feels.
- i think a new fully-formed integrated identity is gelling. i have little patience for fooling myself any more (though I'm still as idealistic) - and i see the value in not hiding my retardations from ppl (not that I have any guilt lying about appropriately personal info; discerned on a case-by-case basis)
- i seem to care even less about status and trappings, and more about whether I'm *doing my part* day-to-day, medium-term and a bit long-term.
Trappings don't fit well on people like me who haven't contributed a lot yet. But many people are late bloomers. Whether there's a higher purpose to that or not, it's reality.
Hey maybe you can answer a couple of quick Qs or point me somewhere:
1. After the 7 years, will it be much harder to get a joint home loan with my never-bankrupt partner at the same interest rate as other people?
2. Do they ask on all rental applications if you've ever been 'rupt? I think I would feel bad lying during the 3-year period but not after that. I guess they wouldn't check unless you got into legal trouble with the agent.
Thanks again.
Hi Oh the indignity (love the name)
Happen to have a close friend who is a mortgage broker and her advice is to make sure you set up a savings account and contribute to it regularly - even just 10 bucks a week - throughout your bankruptcy and the following four years. Eventually try to build it up so that you can show that you will be able to pay the mortgage and still save.
Also, try to get your credit rating re-established. You can do this by getting household bills put in your name wherever possible and making sure they are paid on time. You could also try setting up very small credit accounts with less discerning creditors like Radio Rentals or Go credit or those 24 month interest free plans. (BE CAREFUL, if you don't stick to the payments you could end up in even worse trouble. Don't borrow it unless you have the full amount in your savings account already.) Then, at the end of seven years you will have lots of evidence to show that you are a reformed character and a low risk borrower. That's all you can do really. You're very lucky to have a partner who will help you, their credit rating may well get you through and I would just shop around to get the best rate you can.
I honestly don't know about the rental applications - I'm too chicken to leave home!
i spoke to a woman at money help victoria..she said that bankruptcy wont affect rental applications. but call a few real estate agents and ask what their requirements are, if any, for a bankrupt person applying for rental..... you can do the same with banks about home loans.. from what i heard getting home loan would be tricky- but your friend is right if you save regulalry....i am looking into voluntary bankruptcy.. not sure why you count down the days? i readon your blog for 3 years ... in total its 7years.. i say be free let go and enjoy the hassel freedom of no debt.... thats my approach....
Hi Anonymous, thanks for your comment. Yes, you're right, I've actually signed up for seven years of bad credit but three years is the official term of my bankruptcy. For that period, I must adhere to the restrictions placed on me by the Trustee eg. I can't earn over a certain amount and I can't leave the country without permission.
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